Signals Crossed
by Gramarye
Summary: Miki discovers an unexpected visitor at his door, who asks for his advice. However, the advice he gives isn't exactly what was requested. Spoilers for EP 30/31.


This particular fanfic was originally written as a gift for, or rather   
a commission from, a friend of mine. So just for Meg-chan, here's the   
Miki/Nanami story you wanted. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
Spoilers for episodes 30 and 31. You probably will not understand   
what's going on if you haven't seen those episodes. The action takes   
place sometime between episodes 34 and 37, just for clarification.  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. Shoujo Kakumei Utena is the property of   
Chiho Saito, Be-Papas, TV Tokyo, and various other international   
companies involved in its production and distribution.  
  
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Signals Crossed  
By: Gramarye  
  
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And should I then presume?  
And how should I begin?  
  
-- T. S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"  
  
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Engrossed in a particularly difficult essay for Advanced English   
Grammar and Composition, Miki almost didn't hear the doorbell ring.   
He looked up in mild annoyance, hoping that whoever it was would leave.  
If he didn't get this essay finished soon, he'd never be able to tackle  
the mountain of Student Council paperwork that managed to loom   
ominously from its slightly untidy stack on the desk in his room. He   
had retreated to the kitchen to avoid looking at it while he studied,   
but it still managed to loom over him.  
  
A glance at the kitchen clock told him it was almost nine-thirty. Even  
with his fairly comprehensive textbook, two different English-Japanese   
dictionaries, and an English thesaurus for the tricky bits, he had been   
struggling with the essay for almost an hour and a half. In Miki's   
frazzled opinion, the unknown caller had better have a good reason for   
dropping by.  
  
The bell rang again, the tone lasting a little longer this time.  
  
"Kozue, would you--", he called out, then stopped himself with a quick   
shake of the head. "Never mind, I'll get it." She was generally out   
at this time of night, anyway.  
  
He closed an English dictionary and his grammar text, and headed for   
the door. Now, he was sure, he'd never finish the paperwork. Most of   
it was routine forms and brief responses to letters, but the sheer   
volume was daunting. The paperwork was supposed to be evenly divided   
among all of them, but apparently he was the only one who viewed his   
office as more than a free ride to the Duelling Arena.  
  
That was what happened when you lost early in the game. You picked up   
the slack for those who had yet to be eliminated.  
  
The bell shrilled a third time, and this time it was held long enough   
to make the ring sound desperate.  
  
"Just a moment! I'm coming!" Miki called out, stepping down into the   
foyer. Testing the chain to make sure the door was securely latched,  
he opened it cautiously.  
  
Nanami stood outside, ready to ring the bell a fourth time. She jumped   
back guiltily, pulling her hand close to her body as though she'd been   
stung by the doorbell.  
  
"Nanami? What are you doing here?" He realized a little too late how   
rude that sounded. "I mean, what's the matter?"  
  
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Miki-kun. I just...needed someone to talk   
to, I suppose. And you were very kind to me before, so I thought...."   
she trailed off, staring at the ground.  
  
Miki blinked rapidly. 'Kind' was the last word he would use to   
describe how he had reacted to Nanami's request to stay at his house.   
'Blind terror with strong hints of paranoia and panic' would be a far   
better choice, in his opinion. Not to mention the fact that he had   
only allowed her to stay one night, and had explicitly required that   
she leave before Kozue got up for school. No, 'kind' was definitely a   
wrong choice of words.  
  
Nanami, taking his stunned silence for encouragement, hastily   
continued. "You see, I'm trying to redefine my relationship with....a   
person I know. I've always acted a certain way around him, but now I   
think I should really change my attitude."  
  
Miki cringed inwardly, and his stomach twisted into nervous knots.   
The last thing he needed was to be involved with in the Kiryuu family   
problems--he had enough trouble with his own family.  
  
"Nanami-san...I r-really don't think I'm the p-p-person you should talk  
to," he managed to stammer.  
  
"Please, Miki-kun." There was no hint of pleading or even request in   
her voice. She seemed fully prepared to go away if he declined, but   
something told him that it would not be wise to turn her away tonight.  
  
He stepped back, removing the chain and opening the door. "Come in. I   
was just about to make tea--would you like some?" Even though tea had   
been the farthest thing from his mind, he mentally justified the lie   
with the comforting thought that it would give him something productive  
to occupy his mind and hands.  
  
"If it's not too much trouble...." Nanami said, the polite response   
surfacing automatically. She came inside, trading her shoes for a pair   
of house slippers. He led the way into the kitchen.  
  
***  
  
As he busied himself making the tea, he cast cautious glances at   
Nanami. Despite her calm composure on the steps of his house, he   
noticed that she seemed more agitated sitting in the kitchen. She   
tapped her foot slightly and twisted a bit of her uniform between her  
fingers. When the kettle whistled, she started and looked around   
wildly, only to collect herself with an embarrassed, flushed face.  
  
Miki poured the boiling water into the pot to steep, then retrived an  
new package of tea biscuits and set them next to the pot. He poured  
two cups of the steaming tea, setting one in front of Nanami and one   
in front of himself.  
  
Nanami clutched her teacup like a drowning person clinging to a   
lifeline. Miki gathered his English books and composition and set them  
on the floor next to his chair. He picked up his own cup and took a   
sip, then added another spoonful of sugar.  
  
"I'm sorry to interrupt your studying," she said quietly.  
  
"It's okay. Don't worry about it," he quickly replied, stirring his   
tea a little too vigorously. The spoon chittered angrily on the rim of  
the cup as he set it down.  
  
Nanami sighed. "I thought that since you're so smart, and you've   
probably forgotten more than I'll ever know, you'd be the person to   
talk to. I can't talk to Tsuwabuki or anyone else about this--they   
wouldn't understand. And Juri-sempai...well...."  
  
Miki completely understood her reluctance to go to Juri. She *was*   
intimidating, after all. "I understand. Was there anything in   
particular you wanted to talk about?"  
  
"I just need your advice. I don't know what to do anymore--everything   
I try only makes it worse." She shivered, and sipped her tea. "Even  
if I wanted to ignore it, I know it wouldn't go away. I mean, I have   
to be around...this person...every day. And even if I could change how  
I feel...well, I really don't think I want to."  
  
Miki took a deep breath. He had very little idea about the cause of   
Nanami's disagreement with Touga and her subsequent self-exile from the   
Kiryuu manor. He had never asked, and she hadn't given him much   
information. All he knew was that it led to another duel again Utena,   
and, by logical extension, involved a long drive down a deserted   
highway in the middle of the night. Even though the memories of his   
own experience were blurry at best, he had to suppress a tremor of   
nausea at the thought of what might have happened to her that night.   
But when all was said and done, what he knew was not a very good basis   
to act as an expert on another person's life.  
  
Nevertheless, he had to tell her something. "I want you to understand   
that this is just advice, all right? I'm not trying to tell you what   
to do. This is my opinion, nothing more."  
  
Nanami sipped her tea again, and stared into the fascinating depths of   
her teacup. "I don't care."  
  
"All right." He frantically racked his brain, trying to think of   
anything about Touga's personality he could use as a jumping-off place.  
He failed miserably, and decided to wing it. "One thing I've noticed   
is that you tend to act very quickly and make fast decisions. While   
that's good at times, sometimes it can cause problems. You might want   
to try slowing down a bit, and thinking carefully about what you want   
to say before you say it. You could even try writing out exactly what   
you want to say beforehand. That way, you'll be sure that you aren't  
leaving anything out. Does that sound okay?"  
  
She didn't answer or raise her eyes, but nodded mutely.  
  
"All right," Miki repeated. "Well, I think that it might be a good   
idea if you told the truth about your feelings, even if you think it   
might hurt his...or her," he added quickly, "feelings. The worst thing  
you can do is to lie to yourself to protect someone else. Believe me   
on this."   
  
He was really getting into this advice giving, and he figured that it   
was best to keep going before his nerves failed him. "And no matter   
what happens, remember that you aren't a bad person. Even if you get   
an answer you don't like, don't think that it's your fault. Chances   
are, it's not."  
  
He paused, mostly to catch his breath. "Is that okay?"  
  
Nanami didn't say anything for several minutes. Miki sat quietly,   
afraid to move. If worst came to worst, he could--well, he wasn't sure  
what he could do, but it would have to be something drastic.  
  
Nanami finally cleared her throat, delicately. "So I should take it   
slowly, but be honest with my feelings?" she asked.  
  
"Yes," he replied.  
  
"And I should be prepared to accept his answer, even if it's not what I  
expect? Even if it's disappointing? Even if it hurts?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"You're sure this is this best thing?"  
  
"I'm positive, Nanami-san."  
  
Nanami's shoulders seemed to drop several inches, and her entire body   
radiated a palpable sense of relief. She stood up, and carried her   
teacup and saucer to the sink. Turning on the tap, she turned her head   
slightly so she could talk to Miki as she rinsed off her crockery.  
  
"I don't know how to thank you. You've no idea what I've been going   
through over this--I'm glad I had you to talk to."   
  
Miki had barely finished gaping at the un-Nanami like practice of   
cleaning up after herself. To hear her speak so openly, so candidly to  
*anyone* was enough to make him doubt his hearing. He was so busy   
considering this completely unexpected turn of events that he only   
caught the last few words of her next statement.  
  
"...say to my...to Touga-san."  
  
"Pardon?" It was a distinct mental effort to gather enough of his wits  
to form the question.  
  
Nanami blinked, and walked back to the table. "I said, 'Now I just   
have to figure out what to say to Touga-san.'" She apparently noticed   
the utter confusion on his face. "What's wrong?" she asked, a slight   
frown creasing her forehead.  
  
"T-to Touga-san? I....I....I...don't understand." Miki felt sweat   
beading in tiny droplets on his face.  
  
Nanami blinked again. "Really, Miki-kun, you can be so naive at   
times," she said with a small smile.  
  
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.  
  
***  
  
When Kozue came home in the wee hours of the morning, she noticed out   
of the corner of her eye that the kitchen light was still on. With a   
loud, exasperated sigh, she trudged down the hall, fully expecting to   
find her brother fast asleep with his head on a pile of textbooks.  
  
She entered the kitchen, and stopped short. Miki was sitting upright   
in a chair, one hand pressed to his cheek. His eyes were glazed over,   
blank and unseeing, and a faint blush colored his cheeks with a   
delicate pink. The everyday tea set, an unopened package of biscuits,   
and his favorite china cup and saucer sat on the table.  
  
"Miki?" she said uncertainly. He didn't move.  
  
"Miki?" she repeated, a little louder. There was no reaction.  
  
"MIKI!" she shouted, eyes widening in alarm. She strode over to him.   
Taking one shoulder, she shook him gently. His gaze slowly wandered   
back into focus. When he finally noticed Kozue standing over him, he   
leapt out of his chair as if he'd received an electric shock.  
  
"Kozue!? What...what are you doing?" he gasped.  
  
Kozue didn't know exactly what to say. In cases like this, her first   
instinct was to act calm and nonchalant until she found out exactly   
what was going on. "I might ask you the same thing. Are you coming to   
bed or not?" she said irritably, shifting her weight from foot to foot.  
  
"Y-yeah. In a moment. Go ahead--I'll turn off the lights down here."   
  
Kozue stared at her brother for a long moment, then shrugged.   
"Whatever." Her slippers shuffled uncertainly on the kitchen floor for  
another few seconds, then she turned and left.  
  
Miki stood up slowly, and began the mechanical process of cleaning up   
the kitchen. Unopened package of tea biscuits replaced on the top   
shelf of the left cupboard. Cream and sugar bowl returned to the   
refrigerator, placed next to the eggs and above the vegetable crisper.  
Teapot, cup, and saucer into the sink, rinsed, soaped, and rinsed   
again, then set to dry on the rack with the china Nanami had--  
  
He froze.   
  
His hand drifted unconsciously to his cheek. It was still wet and   
slightly soapy, but he didn't notice.  
  
The corners of his mouth twitched once, twice, then widened into a   
broad, almost silly grin. Still grinning, he drifted out of the   
kitchen, leaving his textbooks and papers in an untidy pile on the   
floor.  
  
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Gramarye  
May 29, 2001  
gramarye@mailandnews.com  
http://gramarye.freehosting.net/ 


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